Matching Underwear

"What the fuck kind of performance was that? Played off the field like a bunch of ponses... Ben Jones would turning in his grave if he was dead." A line of spittle dangled from the coach's lower lip. His chins wobbled with rage.

"Give us a break, gov," said the stalwart captain.

"The only break you are likely to be getting is a prison break. Fuckin' criminal, it is. How much do you get a month. I don't know which is worst, the fact that we pay it or the fact you take it. Do you know how many long standin' fans I've had on the phone these past few weeks? With their ideas of what's wrong with the club?" He waited. And waited. And waited some more.

"Dunno," said the keeper.

"Too fucking many. But not as many as I've had mothers who bought their kids a shirt with your fucking name on it, Billy. Would you be a smiling vision of hapiness after buying one then seeing you staggering round the box missin' passes left, right and centre? Two hundred years of glorious football history rest on your shoulders while you gurn your way round the field. I know we are trying to gain the phychological upper hand but surely you don't think these boys are scared about scowls and frowns?" The world famous throbbing vein was doing it's business on the coach's forehead.

Jimmy the striker threw in the towel, with a wet slap. "Fucking pants!" is what he said.

"I beg your pardon, Wordsworth, I was lost in a cloud of profound poetry."

"It's these fuckin' pants..."

"If you mean the matching club jockstraps, I'll hear no more on the matter."

"... the club badge has damn near circumcised me. I've got runners nob. An' I think I've got the wrong size. As soon as I start sweating, which is pretty soon in this heat, the bastard starts to shrink. It is like an iron maiden for for the crotch." There was a murmur of agreement from the side.

The coach sighed, kicked a puppy and said, "if you don't wear them we can't sell them. Forty thousand a year, we sell. That's your wages for a year Gary. Anyone want Gary to loose his job? No? Then back out there, and start to think like Wayne Rooney, not just look like him."